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How to break the news you’re taking the car keys away

There will come a time when it is no longer safe for your parent, spouse or other family member to drive. It could be due to vision issues, medication that makes it unsafe for them to operate a vehicle, an accident, dementia, or any number of reasons.

No doubt about it, this is probably going to be one of most awkward conversations that you ever have. After all, they have been in control of their own movements for 40, 50 or 60 years or more and they are going to resent the loss of independence that comes with being able to hop in the car and drive someplace.

Don’t do it in "the heat of the moment"

Chances are it won’t take you by surprise. You will have seen it coming for awhile and just avoided taking the necessary steps. But at some point there will be a precipitating event: a determining diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, macular degeneration, or an accident where you know it must be done.

At that point of realization you may be filled with, sadness, fear, anger or other emotions. Don’t do it at that moment when you are fraught with anxiety or filled with adrenalin.

Take a deep breath. Wait and schedule a time to sit down and talk with your parent when you can be calm and rational. But don’t wait too long or you could be seeing a repeat of the incident that caused you to realize taking the car keys away was necessary.

Make a list of the reasons why you need to take the keys away.

Usually the reasons are because of safety, to your parent(s) and those around them. So you need to outline how their condition puts others at risk and appeals to their sense of concern for their fellow neighbors to understand why the step must be taken.

Take steps to insure that the loss of the use of their car doesn’t increase their social isolation

Did they use the car to go to church related functions? Then request the assistance of members of the parish to get your parent to and from their church functions.

Do they participate in regular social functions such as bridge club? Gardening group? Book club or coffee klatch? See if members of the group can be responsible for transportation of your loved one on a rotating basis; or if they can host the party once in awhile.

Check to see if there are local senior ride services available in your community. These are often available through the local county department on aging, through a specific condition related organization, or through senior centers.

Family members and friends can share transportation for shopping trips and visits to doctors.

Having some of these systems in place before you have “the talk” will help alleviate part of the stress on your parents when you tell them about the necessary changes. They will know that you have given some thought to activities that are important to them and that you are thinking about their happiness in the midst of a situation that is deeply disturbing for everyone.

Have another family member present to support you.

They are your parents after all, and they are used to being in a position of authority. You are turning that around in a very profound way with this action and it may be uncomfortable for you and them to assume that role reversal.

Be sure to have someone with you who supports the decision and understands the necessity of taking this step and is also respected by the care recipient.

Lay out the case as clearly and simply as you can

Remember the list of reasons that you prepared earlier? Start with the precipitating event and then outline all of the other reasons that you have for taking that action.

Remind them that this isn’t to punish them, or restrict their activity but to keep them and others safe. Acknowledge that it will be an adjustment, but that you’ve tried to consider the various transportation alternatives that will enable them to keep a level of independence.

Be prepared for many possible outcomes

Your parent may accept the news calmly and be willing to go with the new status quo. Others may be defiant and vow that they will continue to drive regardless of the safety of themselves or others. If this situation should arise it will be your responsibility to physically remove the keys or the vehicle from the premises so they can’t drive and endanger others.

Regardless of how they accept the new situation it will be important to continue to monitor their mood and make sure that they and everyone else around them are adjusting to the new rules of the road.

“Never take a person's dignity: it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you.” - Frank Barron

co-authored by: Robert M. Zakon

CareGiverHelper, Inc.

CareGiverHelper is an internet healthcare marketing and communications company that assists organizations build brand awareness, client loyalty and new client acquisition, through an online community for family caregivers. This web based service improves task organization and communication between family caregivers in order to assist in facilitating daily activities, emergency response and longer term planning processes. It also includes discussion and support groups that are facilitated by resource communities that each focus on a specific health related topic. The service is free of charge for non-paid caregivers and their families.